urfriendgrace - change

04.17.25

Hi it’s me. Still on the floor, still recovering from surgery, and still figuring things out. Sigh* I guess that’s the life tho of an artist. You never truly settle, do you? I’ve been working on projects that need finishing but like what is that going to do for me? Im growing. I see it right in front of me. As an artist my practice is getting better. My shooting has gotten more refined, my editing has gotten simpler, my coloring, my style has bloomed into this beautiful darkness. But I’m bored. I want to see the world. I don’t want to keep seeing the world in this 9:16 ratio. I need money. Why is money so hard for me. I keep saying to myself that it’s going to get better. That as long as I keep working hard, try, and keep trying; that eventually I won’t have to worry about money. I won’t have to worry about a friend of mine going hungry or getting invited out and having to check my bank account every time. I don’t go out. And the only reason I don’t is because it’s so expensive to even just go out to eat. And I love food. Whenever someone’s over I try to cook for them. It’s not like I can order anything for myself so I always have food to make cuz that’s just cheaper. Look I know I worry too much about money. But when you’re 25 and you haven’t even been outside of the tristate area you’re in for at least the past 15 years. On top being kicked off my parents health insurance in a year. It’s scary. I don’t feel like I’ve made progress. Yeah artistically and maybe how to survive, sure. But it just makes me think, am I doing this life thing right? Or am I really bad at playing this modern society game?